Musings of my Mind

Warning — will be discussing some personal things that some may find concerning. Despite what I write about I have never nor will I ever intend harm to myself or others. 

Asking someone about their depression is like asking how long is a piece of string. It’s all subjective and theoretical unless you can actually measure it. But how do you measure an intangible level based on random chemicals and emotions? Then you get people who don’t understand things and assume you can just brush off depression like dirt on your clothes. That would be nice to do but it’s not that simple. 

The tricky part, is that depression isn’t usually caused by just one thing. If it was then tackling it on a social scale would be so much easier. “Everyone with depression, look at this cute baby video and be healed for 30days.”  That would be so much easier than having these internal battle campaigns that resemble World War 2 at times. For me, my depression is always tagging along with several common factors. Family finances, family interactions,  work issues, personal feelings of self worth, sexual adequacy, life conflicts, social media idiocy of the world at large. Some of these pair up with self worth issues so I get bogged down in a cycle of self loathing and anxiety. 

Then there is trying to explain things when I’m worried about sounding pathetic to others. My mind and mouth don’t operate on the same wave length, so while I say one thing a moment later it’s been processed and I counter the comment rendering it all pointless. Now the flip side of that is if I take time to think things over it quickly devolves into a case of “my fault” with a “what’s the point” chaser. This sounds confusing doesn’t it? Well that’s just the tip of the iceberg. 

There is an aspect of my mind that some people might find concerning but it isn’t related to my depression. In fact it’s been a part of me for as long as I can remember but I never speak of it because of the response people will give. It’s a fatalistic curiosity with the real world. “How much damage would I get in the car if it hit a tree? Would people miss me is I was no longer around? Would your hand melt in a fire like in the movies? Can I dive from a building into a waiting hay cart and just roll out as in the games?” Sounds silly and you are probably wondering if I need an intervention.  I promise I have no intentions of enacting on my curious musings. The logical part knows that no good will happen while the illogical ask why not. It’s just random stuff that roams the maze of my mind. I also don’t have the money or resources to test my questions out so will leave it to the likes of the Mythbusters.

A lot of people will automatically assume a person with depression is on the high end of the self harm or suicide spectrum. Unfortunately this is true in many cases but it’s not the norm for some. The media tends to portray depression in a negative light often which does influence views. The idea that depression should be kept a secret is being slowly replaced by acceptance and understanding. People are finding strength in sharing their issues rather than withdrawing from the world. 

Remember if you have concerns for someone talk to them. If you have concerns for yourself please talk to someone. No one can know for sure what’s happening in the mind of another person.

In Australia Beyond Blue

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